4 - Relationship Anomaly

Hardwiring is the most influential and powerful 

force people will encounter in their lifetimes.

Relationship Anomaly Defined:

“The chronic, repetitious, unproductive communications we experience with specific and/or significant people which remains uncomfortable & unresolved during and after a conversation.”

These have always been the questions that perplexed me: 

  • Why do people who love each other treat each other poorly?
  • Why do some people hate other people, races or cultures?
  • Why do children, young adults and adults collect into groups & clicks and act cruelly to other children?
  • Why are relationships so difficult the longer they last?

The Relationship Anomaly’s genesis goes back to the feelings of separation, loss and helplessness experienced as children. We were taught that we are "not OK the way we are." This is the major wound all children receive regardless of the parent's intentions. The wound is both helpful (learning rules and protocols of being social-you cannot act like an animal) and damaging (learning I am never enough as a person, that I am dumb, ugly or worse). This conundrum is part of growing up all over the world. However, to recognize the primal wound, I’m not OK, is to begin to understand the above questions and why they exist.

If we are abused as children we will grow up accepting abusive behavior, it is because it seems "normal" to us. Later in life we will view the abuse we give out & the abuse we receive as normal. Remember, this includes both extreme positive abuse and well as extreme negative abuse. Which reinforcement method we use as parents is dependent on our own hardwiring. Not only our behavior molds children’s relationship model, but that of teachers, police, military, politicians, neighbors, executives and store clerks. Each one we interact with has their own hardwired perspective on how the world works - On what is normal and what is not normal abusive behavior.

The Relationship Anomaly’s genesis is deductive. If I was abused as a child, I will pass that abuse on to my children. If I was praised too highly for my looks, sports abilities or academics, I pass that on or take an opposite approach with my own children.  The point here is that there are as many variations of abuse and praise as there are people. This said, it is still easy to see universal patterns of behavior used by the majority of humans.

If I try to change the people around me or try to change my behavior, feelings of anxiety can become overwhelming. We are held in our life-position by our hardwiring. Where you and I are today is because of the limited range our survival child and Golem allow us.  Hardwiring is the most influential and powerful force people will encounter in their lifetimes. This can be seen with people who choose the hard approach to life: Drugs, alcohol, sex, tobacco, food dependency, etc.. These temporarily reduce the pain, but they also take us out of the world of feelings. We need our full attention to move beyond our hardwiring.

Those who know me also know my position on life. There is no RIGHT way to live it. Each soul follows their path depending on the hardwiring taught to them. However, there are easier paths and difficult paths. Regardless, the Relationship Anomaly is present in both.

As we get older we develop a threshold of behavior we are able to tolerable from ourselves and from others.  This limits who our friends are, jobs we have and behavior we find normal in relationship. As we mature the dysfunction at home and work become worse or is ignored, but we know we are unable to fix it. We've accepted that it is the way of our life or we walk away from the other person. Acceptance or walking away from intolerable behavior leaves residue. To avoid feeling too much we bury our feelings in the unconscious (substance). This is where the Survival Child and the Golem were created and now reside to help you survive your sense of normal. 

The Relationship Anomaly is a type of dysfunctional behavior all people use when in conversation. It is the chronic, repetitious, unproductive communications we experience with specific and/or significant people. It is part of our hardwiring. Rather than feeling seen, understood, accepted, chosen and valued, others often make us feel judged, selfish, hurt, misunderstood, inappropriate or useless. Yet, for some reason, we stay married, keep the job, stay in the community, or even defend the person if someone else is critical of them.  

This is the anomaly. Just one more example we can all relate to that often appears on TV.  A domestic dispute  The husband beats his wife. The wife calls the police. The police show up and subdue the man.  The woman attacks the police for attacking her husband. The woman is arrested and both hauled off to jail. In time they return home and it starts again. Have you ever wondered why this happens and what the solution is? Read on!


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© Scott Taylor 2020