Liminal Systems     Convergent Relationship Model

Convergent Relationship Model 

Copyright ©1984-2000 Liminal Systems All rights reserved.

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." Albert Einstein

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."

Albert Einstein

"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us "universe," a part limited in time and space. He

experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... an optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our

personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures

and the whole of nature in its beauty." Albert Einstein


Dedication Preface

Acknowledgements Forward

INTRODUCTION What's Missing?

How the Model Was Assembled How the Model Is Presented How the Model is Measured


CHAPTER ONE Fundamentals

Life is About Relationship
No One is Holding Back a Better Model

We Are Not Our Behavior
Self Reflection
Need to be Seen Understood, Chosen & Valued Two Feelings


CHAPTER TWO The Original Child

Early Years 0-3 Survival Cycle

Learning Cycle Terrible Two's What is 'Normal'

Childhood 4-7

Wounding the Child: Two Primal Tensions First Wound

Second Wound

Hardwiring and Wounding Child and Caregiver Conflict

Shadow Development

Projection Adolescence 8-13


The Child's Split Personality

The Survival Child The Phantom Twin

Golem Story as a Metaphor The Attributes of Golem

How Relationship Models are Created Comparison of the Creation of a 'Golem'

Table of Contents


The Primal Cause: Psycho-Mythical Center

Beowulf Summary

Daily Life is About Choice (not) Four Guidelines For Daily Life

Overview of the Convergent Relationship Model

Level of Difficulty

What is the Convergent Relationship Model Summary

Details of the Convergent Relationship Model

Being Seen, Understood & Valued
Characteristic List
The Genesis of Control: The origins of relationship & communication patterns Influencing Other's Productivity: Projection Part 1
Influencing Other's Productivity: Projection Part 2
Leveling the playing field: Focusing on intention, not behavior, to increase productivity. The Smoke & Mirrors of Leadership
Learning Systems: The part of behavior in change
Choice between being right or productive.
The Power to Influence - Creating Productive Environments
Delegation and Non-attachment.
Tools and Technigues



For every child worldwide whose sad face says they have not been seen, understood, chosen or

valued for the beauty they bring into our lives just by being bom.

And for my Soul Mate, partner, friend and lover, Patty Taylor, who has made this writing possible and my life a dream come true.

Acknowledgements Richard J. Segerstrom

Hal Lawrence Richard Reicher

Hugh Lynn Cayce

Herbert Puryer

Hal I. Taylor

Virginia N. Taylor

Terry N. Taylor Hal Ira Taylor

Toni J. Taylor James Asher

David Kyle
Robert Bly
Michael Meade
Volker & Sandy Schrezenmeier Mel Burris

Preface ^
After thirty years of public speaking and counseling individuals and groups, and nearly two

I decades of that time as a practicing Executive Development Consultant, I continue to hear stories daily about misunderstandings in relationships or individuals that have given up hope of being in one. However, my word 'BEING' in a relationship is not often the word people use. Instead,

! people who tell me their problems often ask, "How do I FIND a good relationship?"

FINDING a good relationship is like picking a beautiful flower, enjoying the colors and fragrance, until it begins to wilt. Then the flower is no longer what it first seemed to be. The flower has

disappointed and is cast off. The person is off to find a flower that will not disappoint. A flower that will be what is seems to be, and never being different than the first impression, it made.

FINDING a flower is a lot of work and energy and will always disappoint when it fades from its first beauty.

BEING in a good relationship is like digging up a beautiful flower, getting hands around the dirt and lifting it out of the ground, roots and all. Armed with the experience of what it takes to BE


j^ <$&$ w V

with a flower, the person locates a suitable pot and plants it. He or she then adds mixture of

nutritious dirt, and some sand for good drainage. The flower is placed in appropriate light, given

water occasionally and overtime, it is enjoyed through consistent tending. The original flower will

die and transform into another flower. Always new, yet so much like the first. Being in

relationship requires beginnings, growth, and endings, but they are content with the process and the long time they have spent learning to change and creating a history together. BEING with a

flower takes a lot of time & energy and it does not disappoint when all is said and done. Memories of the good times, fading of the painful growth times, and gratitude for the fate that

brought two lives together. TOP

In FINDING a relationship, it is usually involves attracting someone to replace "What's Missing" inside us. FINDING implies a second step of possessing and subduing another person, requiring them fit a mold of what we need to feel OK. They must act, dress, talk and think a prescribed way. To FIND someone who feels that it is 'normal' to be either needy or needed. Academic degrees, career success, consumer goods and temporary highs are stressed as important, or put down as irrelevant. "I am what I say I am, regardless of other's feedback!"

In BEING with someone, requires the desire to mirror and be mirrored by the other person. We mirror the good and the bad feelings, attitudes, opinions, preferences and relationship behavior. Models that were learned from our caregivers and other authority figures are open for discussion and improvement. BEING means to become less dependent on each other to feel OK and as time goes on, develop more individual strength. Learning the skills to be seen, understood, chosen and valued becomes a proactive process. "I am what my relationships are!"

The importance of BEING in a relationship came after my previous experiences of: Being raised in an alcoholic family,

Being hit in the head and rendered unconscious for a long period of time (resulting in a major change in oenGciouonooo), ^vx^sfrik^

One year of college,
Three years in the army,
One year in Viet Nam, and
All this followed by an intense search for the purpose and meaning of life, lasting a decade.

The decade of seeking took me through dozens of self-help seminars, the reading of hundreds of

books, and the receiving of degrees in complimentary subjects. During the 1970's, part of this search involved studying seven major religions and entering three monasteries - A Hindu

Ashram, a Catholic Retreat Cente^aad a Zen Buddhist monastery. I was quite convinced that the \/ monastic life would suit me well.Mj^repest for a religious to try out his wings, than within the

\\jV^ heart of religious traditions. After^ltrlwas searching for the answers to life's big questions.

It was in the last of these motfactorios that I became aware thaUhe monastic life was too easy4w -frrer I easily slipped into the daily rhythms of contemplation ana prayer^ A challenge would be to

take what I had learned and bring it into the world at large. Could I survive out there and not loose the peace of mind I had attained through a simpler life? Since I always leaned towards

challenge, over the bridge of life I went, from the serenity of monk's routine, into the hustle and bustle of the world of big business. What better place for me to bring the big questions, than to

the corporation and the people who run them.

Upon leaving the monastic life and^ntering the business world, I was able to distilled the big question list down to five major headings:

Where did we come from? C£ Why are we here? t&
Are there an individual and a group life purposes? jA
Where are we going when we loose the body? &ASy^

Why are relationships complicated & difficult? oj^* * r

When I returned to the world, I realized it would be up to me to draw my conclusions about the Vs£^&>3 first four big questions. Within several years time, I began to construct a model of life that I could

"f"0 ex^pmeraienn'sceinhduamilya. nIitwyotouldhis/eheritfeinllotwhes.pAetothpelesarmouentdimme,em. Iyt mexopdlaeilnoefdthheehaurtmbraenaek,xpheorireonrcaend


allowed me to grow, change and give & get comfort when needed. I was free from the "search for

meaning" and could get on to the fifth big question regarding relationships. For the first four were solidified around the age of thirty-five. \ „ ^ c ^

Now completely on the other side of the bridge (monastery to corporation), I realized the difference between profit and non-profit organizations was in their strengths and weaknesses.

My experience showed that non-profit religious organizations were high on life's meaning and low on how to manifest the fruits of the earth - money, equipment, buildings and such. On the other

side, for-profit corporate folks were experts on manifesting and low on fruits of the spirit - life's meaning, why we are here, and the importance of relationship above all other things. Could I be presumptuous and think that I could build bridges between the two worlds?

My history around the question of "Why are relationships complicated and difficult?" had its genesis at around the age of fourteen. Like any young teenager, I listened to music, watched

movies and TV. I was always perplexed by how different real relationships were from the love

song lyrics of Johnny Mathas, Nat King Cole and others. Movies and sitcoms showed lovers and families relating in ways I never observed in real life. I had no idea at that time that it would take

another thirty-one years to find my wife Patty.

From fourteen to twenty, I was driven by testosterone to find outlets for my compulsion. From

twenty to thirty-five, I was driven by spirit, psychology, philosophy and self-analysis to find a mate. The next ten years, thirty-five to forty-five, I was old enough to look more deeply into the habitual

patterns that had not worked in finding a true partner. I asked the question repeatedly, "What is

missing in me that does not allow relationship?" I began dating women who were not my perfect

image of the anima (the inner feminine). I embraced their flaws as unique aspects of their nature. I enjoyed good boundaries and honesty. I finally gave up the quest to be married if life turned out

that way. I was free to just be and love my life to the fullest, just the way it was today.

I learned about the deeper symbols in story, mythology, faith and hope. These led me to

workshops in family addictive-compulsive behavior, men's work and relationships. People like David Kyle, Robert Bly, James Hillman, Michael Meade and Robert Moore graced my life. I

began the accent from my Viet Nam delayed stress syndrome cave deep under the ground, and broke surface. For the first time, I could see myself as part of humanity. Not someone separate,

standing far away, watching humankind march on to oblivion.

Reentering the secular world, I started a small business. I made a decent living making handmade furniture and turning hardwood bowls. Closing that business after three years, I returned to college. After tutoring statistics and graduating with a BA in Psychology and Communications, I was accepted in the San Jose State University masters program. Never one to take the standard path, I created a Masters of Science program in Pedagogical Cybernetics

(the study of teaching systems) that included three departments - Cybernetics, Psychology and Education. At the same time, I had three additional major projects.

One was the care of my mentor, who's family I lived with for five years. Originally he needed help

because of a heart condition, but by the time I was at the end of the masters program, he was

dying from cancer. All course work and the research for my theses had been completed. Half

way through writing the theses, he took a turn for the worse, and it was my choice to give him ail the attention, care and time he needed. He died, holding my hand, in the summer of 1983.

Several years later I attempted to complete the theses, but by then my energy was elsewhere.

The second project, which I started during graduate school, was an Executive Development Consulting practice. By the time I went back to attempt completing my MS, I had Apple

Computer, Fairchild Semiconductor, National Semiconductor and Ogilvy & Mather as full time clients.

Third, I was asked to teach two General Systems classes in the Cybernetic Systems Department. I would teach all morning and see clients during the afternoon hours. After almost two years of teaching, I resigned to continue the corporate consulting.

As a consultant, I worked with some of the most amazing corporate professionals. These clients

provided me with a rich cast of characters through which I could mirror my own life. Stories about their relationships began to take on distinct patterns. Around forty years of age, I broke the code of dysfunction in relationships and could finally see the cause of the difficulties in both our

personal and professional lives.

I had created and successfully applied a model of relationships. Now the question was, could I articulate it in such a way that others would be able to understand and apply it in their interactions

with others? This book is my attempt to write down what I have been saying to clients for almost two decades. I am sure there will be many new insights as I grow personally and professionally.


The Convergent Relationship Model focuses on a segment of the psyche that remains disguised deep in our unconscious, yet is present in every communication we have with others. Everyone

we meet shows it to us in their facial muscles, their tone of voice, the words used, gestures made, and in their choice of friends, spouses, and careers. Our bodies and emotions feel the impact of

this hidden part of our psyche, yet we are unable to point to its location. We see and communicate with it everyday, but like a centerline in the road, it is soon replaced by another, and then another, until we can no longer keep up with the speed at which the lines shape shift.

The Convergent Relationship Model describes this shape shifting aspect of our psyche. One

aspect I will call the Phantom Twin. Everyday the Phantom Twin grows in strength. It has been in control of our feelings and behavior for so long we can no longer identify it as separate from

who we think we are. It is like an alien living inside our bodies and minds, about which we have become indifferent. Yet, we created the Phantom Twin and it's passive, needy counterpart, the Survival Child, by splitting our Original Child in two at a very young age. We spilt our psyche in order to become the adult that our caregivers found acceptable. We became the adults who would toe the family's line and disguise the Family Secrets in appropriate family behavior. From the psyche's point of view, it was better to become less than whole, than to cease to exist.

The Convergent Relationship Model will show how and why the Phantom Twin and the Survival Child were created during early childhood development and where it manifests in our personal and professional communications. Then, in detail we will walkthrough the process that transforms the split into a set of powerful relationship and communication tools. The understanding of this model and use of these tools will change the way relationships develop, children are raised and work groups communicate. The skill set will allow each person to be seen, understood, chosen and valued as a worthy partner and contributor.

Then we will introduce two feelings that need to be felt at the same time, one from the Phantom Twin and one from the Survival Child. Two feelings, without rejecting either, when

communicating with other people.

One feeling is the 'normal' feeling related to the Original Child and controlled by the Phantom Twin. This feeling is amplified whenever we see or hear trigger behaviors in others. Trigger

behaviors are emotional reaction to a set of behaviors that we are personally hypersensitive to when seen or heard in others.

The second feeling is the sensation of 'connection' or being connected. This is the feeling of

being seen, understood, chosen and valued by others. Connection is expressed well in the common Swahili equivalent for hello, "I see you" and the response is; "I am here."

Finally we will describe in detail the Convergent Relationship Model and how it can be used at home, in the community, while working with other employees and in any other relationship or culture we find our selves interacting with fellow human beings.

So, hold on to your vulnerability with both hands, keep one eye on your fears, and open your mind to the real possibility of relationships beyond your wildest dreams.



What's Missing?
The model and skills presented here will challenge the way relationship models have been

explained over the past hundred years. Everyone will recognize something they have read, tried, heard about or failed at before. There is nothing new offered here. What is unique is the way the

material is assembled, presented and measured. By continually asking the questions "What's

Missing?" and "Why is our model is so limited?" around personal and professional relationships, we will go several layers below psychoanalysis into the mythological realm for answers.

How Was the Model Assembled?

What has been assembled here are pieces from many models, research and writings of

exceptional men and women over the past 5000 years - from ancient Chinese writings to brilliant twists on ideas that corporate clients have had in training sessions. These are woven into an

explanations of "What's Missing?" at the core of humankind's relationships and what makes them difficult. As a mentor once said to me, "There is nothing new, just new combinations and the twist to their significance in present time."1

We will explore why, even with free will, our choices are just reenactments of habitual and

predictable patterns. Without even knowing how it happens, we repeatedly cycle through these patterns and end up acting out the same way under stress, getting the same results, every time. There is little chance of behavioral change. What is missing is the understanding of a part of the

deep unconscious, the Phantom Twin, which is in control. TOP

How is the Model Presented?

"What's Missing?" in other models is consistency. Consistent results, that improves human interactions and improves mutual satisfaction, across all human experience. In traditional

relationship training, some people are able to apply the concepts, yet most return acting out their chronic patterns. What is missing is the source of the problem underlying addictive-compulsive


"What's Missing?" is the understanding that everyone is part of the problem. We all are abusive, violent and disruptive in some relationship or another. This includes teachers, politicians,

therapists, social workers, scientists, priests, pastors, plumbers, consultants and the rest of the human race. As helpers, we cannot disregard our own relationship struggles and failures and

expect to aid others with theirs

"What's Missing?" is a general acknowledgement from professional help givers that their own

struggle to being seen, understood, chosen and valued in relationship taints their effectiveness. It is only logical that if a help giver has not resolved personal relationship issues, they will be

unwilling to go into those shadow areas with others.

"What's Missing?" probes the question, "Why do good intentioned people, under stress, say things and behave in ways that results in others reacting negatively?" The answer is deeper than stop being 'right', stop being so aggressive or stop being so demanding. An entire lifetime can be used up fruitlessly, trying to change ineffective behavior patterns, and yet, remain empty and depressed in the end. If time is taken to reflect on the key issues we struggle with today, the issues are the same ones that existed in our teenage years. The answer lies within each of us. We created the problem to survive. The cost for living a life from survival patterns is costly to our hearts, minds and bodies, not to mention the interactions with others. The responsibility to solve the issues is ours, however, like brain surgery, impossible to do on our own.

This last question, "Why do good intentioned people, under stress, say things and behave in

ways that results in others reacting negatively?" is central to our model. The first answer and solution can be found in understanding the mute, controlling, all powerful, yet hidden unconscious

personality we each created in early childhood to help us survive! The second answer is in the

mythological realm of the unconscious, where metaphor and symbols clarify and illuminate the terrain. However, before we fully dive into these two subjects, let us look at how 'consistent

results' in training is measured.
1 Richard Segerstrom - Mining Engineer and Electrical Engineer from Stanford University.

Question: So, how will we measure the results of this model?

How is the Model Measured?
Answer: A system of relationship and communication improvement can only be measured in one

way - CONSISTENT RESULTS WITH ALL PEOPLE. Not high percentages and best tries falling short due to extenuating circumstance. In order to stop the endless waste of energy, time and

resources, we must have a way to radically and permanently change how we value others and communicate our desires. Such a model must be so fundamental, so core to the human

condition, that it applies to ALL people despite their culture, gender, race, geography, education, life experience or chronological age differences. It must be able to be used in any situation with

the same consistent results.

Since 1984, we have guaranteed the relationship communication model to corporate clients.

What this means is we measure our value to them only if they determined, as an individual or a

group, that the training was radical and had a long-term effect on their personal and professional

relationships. We are looking for behavioral changes that can be observed by co-workers and

family members. These changes must be available when needed in real world, real time situations.

Our clients are not perfect communicators! Rather, they know in the heat of an interaction, why

they are not being effective and what to do next to remedy the problem. Knowing what to do next is the key. Clients are able to go back to a person, change the misunderstanding, and draw value

from the return visit. They know how to get seen, understood, chosen and valued. They know what it feels like to not get heard, and how it feels to get heard by the people around them.

On the one hand, at a high cost on many levels, we can weld power and fear to control others. On the other, we can learn the skills to unconditionally value the core of each person, even when overwhelmed with emotions. Not only does this second alternative cost zip, but there is a return on investment of energy, more time and peace of mind every day. Productivity goes up and stress becomes minimal. We can be the first in past generations to stop abusive, violent and disruptive behavior-verbal and non-verbal - when what we really wanted was to be seen, understood, chosen and valued.

Question: So, what are some of the core fundamentals that the Convergent Relationship Model purports?



Answer: Before going into the details of the Original Child's Split Personality, we will look at some

philosophical fundamentals that lay essential groundwork for the Convergent Relationship Model. There may be good argument made for or against the words or phrases chosen, so, feel free to

interject your own experience with such concepts. There are many ways to explain and model a concept. What is important is to understand the impact of accepting these fundamentals into a

personal philosophy. The position they take will change the way we relate and communicate to others.

Life is About Relationship
Life is about relationships - supportive, intelligent, caring relationships. Everything else is

secondary. A person's hardwiring may claim that this or that is of equally important to them. However, when probing questions are asked, these diversions turn out to be substitutes for the

lack of intimacy skills. Conscious or not, it is only through intimate, one-on-one relationships that we are able to feel our value.

Relationships or the lack there of, are the major cause of psychological and somatic disorders. We may be fired from our job, but it is the shame of not being seen as valuable person that is the

real cause of stress. In a divorce, the loss of material goods or money that may fuel our rage, but it is the shame of being rejected and the humiliation of making up excuses to our friends and

family that has the most bearing on how we feel. The need to be in relationship can drives us to insanity one on side and allows us to participate in the principle reason for life on the other.

Every thing and ail human beings are bound in relationship one way or another. The universe is one huge inter-relationship. The earth is in relationship with other planets, moons, suns, galaxies and star systems. Humanity is in relationship with plants, animals, cars, other drivers, cultures, ideas, philosophies and governments. The physical body's is made up of systems and organs that are interdependent on one another. Our lives revolve around relationships at home, at work and in our communities. We love to be with people, to sit and watch them act out and we delight in making up stories that explain their actions. We are all natural voyeurs.

However, in all this looking there is far less getting. Universally people feel "Something is missing; there should be something more!" "Others seem to get it, why not me?" If life is about

relationships then why is it so difficult to be our "real" self when we are working or relaxing with others? Are other people holding back love, respect, support or intimacy from us?

Question: Are people holding back relationship skills from us, just to make it difficult to relate to them?


No One is Holding Back a Better Model
Answer: The truth is no one ever holds back a better relationship or communication model. We

are ail using our best model all the time. Our behavior will vary from calm to raging, but it is the

best we have in every situation, under varying circumstances, and at every moment. After the

fact, we may reflect on our exchange and vow we will act or speak differently next time. The point is we have at best very few options in the way we interact with others.

This is quite baffling when we consider the vast expertise we have in so many other areas. Our

depth of knowledge, in subjects such as astrophysics, medicine, information systems, food preparation, manufacturing and limitless other topics, boggles the mind. Why then are our

relationship and communication skills limited to a small range of options? This is the purpose of our quest, to answer this question so we can expand relationship and communication options under real circumstances.

So, next time someone behaves in a way that leaves you speechless, remember its not that they are trying to upset you. It is not that they are consciously trying to force their opinion. It is only

that they have run out of relationship and communication options or skills in that situation. They have run out because they were never taught skills beyond what their primary caregivers from childhood learned from their caregivers. We are rarely aware enough to ask, "Is there another way to say the same thing that would get us the desired result."

Question: So, why do we behave in ways that do not get us the result we want? TOP

We Are Not Our Behavior
Answer: We have been taught since birth that a person is their behavior. In reality, behavior or acting out, is only a signal for attention. We signal others to pay attention to us. Sometimes we


even pay for their attention. We convey messages of need, explanation and/or information. We are signaling our current state of emotion, mood and feeling. We display our state of health, pleasure, pain, hunger or thirst. We signal if we are availability or desire to be left alone.

The suggestion here is that we often misunderstand the signals for attention for what their intention. Someone can look sad or mad, but it turns out they are thinking deeply at the moment.

Another person seems withdrawn and unapproachable, but they are really feeling mellow and content. A friend who is acting the comedian can be covering up a lack of self-esteem.

An employee, who is always talking at high volume, may be feeling vulnerable or that if they stop talking no one will hear them.

More often than not, we are trying to show our good intentions by our behavior, but it cojnes across poorly and is misunderstood. This is because we are acting out the behavior of someone we were hardwired to be, rather than who we really are inside. We are feeling our caregiver's

feeling, rather than our own. Is there doubt why people are confused by our conversations? We react to others behavior rather than respond to their underlying intention

When we have a deeper friendship with someone, we get to know their intentions and accept their poor attempts to get attention. Here is an example of a very common misread of behavior.

Jane and Paul have worked together in three different companies. Jane has moved on to new jobs and then shortly after she has settled in to the routine, she calls Paul and persuades him to join her at the new company. They know each other's strengths and weaknesses. Paul feels Jane has always looked out for his best interest as his boss.

At the end of the third quarter, the tension has risen to a crushing level. Jobs and careers are on the line. Jane is constantly bombarded from every side and looks close to burnout. Paul is not doing much better emotionally. He has also noticed that at the last few staff meetings Jane has interrupted his report, made short comments that to Paul seem dismissive and then she turns to another person for their report and never gets back to Paul.

At the end of his rope, Paul storms into Jane's office, interrupts a meeting and blurts

out, "If your going to fire me do it now! It is obvious to me that my value to the team is lacking. The least I expected from you was an honest conversation about my


Paul storms out and slams the door. Jane is stunned and after a long embarrassing silence asks the others to leave.

The following morning Jane goes to Paul's office and asks to have a word with him. After a few questions and letting Paul vent she says to him, "Paul, the reason I have

been acting that way in meetings is that I felt you would understand my behavior. After all, we have been in so many meeting like that before. I cut your you short

because I trust you and your work. I did not need to use time hearing your reports, when there are others in the room I am less than happy with their productivity or

decisions recently made. I am so sorry. I should have let you know where I was coming from. I assumed too much about how you might feel.

Paul quickly understood and made his own apology. In the future, they agree to signal each other to avoid such misunderstandings.

We misread others behavior every day at home and at work. This is where free will and choice is misrepresented??? The skills needed to find out someone's intentions, behind their


behavior, are presented later in the Convergent Relationship Model. It will become clear why it is so important to separate out a person's behavior from their intentions if we desire positive results.

Question: So, if we are so advanced as a species, i.e. self-reflective, why do we so readily assume our read on someone's behavior is their real intention?


Self Reflection

Answer: Because we have been trained this way! It is all we know.

Self-reflection is a tool we can use to separate out behavior from intention. Most people would

agree that self-reflection or self-awareness is what separates our species from other animals. We have the ability to see ourselves as separate from others. And in physical reality, we each

have separate bodies. However, on the level of the psyche, we are bound together like hot and cold water. We react to each other, but are never separate. Since self-reflection is tied to hardwiring, our ability to separate out behavior from intention is limited. Yet, turned around into a positive tool, self-reflection can allow us to see others in a new way.

We have built and destroyed nations, cities, businesses, partnerships and marriages because of our ability to distinguish differences, to separate out 'them from us.' This has led to a major oversight by caregivers in the way we are actually hardwired to survive as children and adults.

Self-awareness is a wonderful gift, but we are only self-aware of what we think is "normal.' " Normal' is made up of the beliefs and behaviors of our childhood caregivers. It does not take much self-reflection to realize that our caregiver's worldview was a tad limited and a bit narrow. Consider the magnitude, the variety of things, ideas that exist and what we personally experience in the world. Through our learned, 'normal' behavior, we have been hardwired to react to other's behavior. This becomes apparent when we look back at how we were described to others as children.

"He is so different from his sister. He only sleeps two hours at a time and is cranky in the morning. She is so sweet and outgoing all day."

"Why can't you be more like your cousin? He does his homework and chores without being told. You are bullheaded, self-centered and a pain in the neck."

Behavior is what we have been told we are for as long as we have lived. It seem logical that

people worldwide would believe we are our behavior. In addition, we believe that mean people, sad people, egotistical people, aggressive people, abusive people, and the failures, quitters, lowlifes and misfits want to be that way.

To reiterate what was stated above, behavior is only a signal for attention, not necessarily the intention. We are self-aware in a limited way, and it has a terrible effect on our personal and

professional relationships.

Question: So, if we are not our behavior, and we are poor at best in understanding other's intentions, how do we get out of this eternal quagmire of reacting to behavior?

Need to be Seen and Understood
Answer: By realizing that all people act out, behave, to get attention. However, attention should

naturally lead to being seen, understood, chosen and valued. We are eternally hoping to be selected, preferred, nominated and elected. We are driven by an instinctive survival need to be valued by others. We dream of being the "chosen one," the special case, the top dog, or the

person who stands out from the crowd. "If only others would see me as I truly am."


Being seen and understood implies that our intentions are understood. However, we are caught up in the behavior - words, tone, body and face gestures. We react rather than respond. We react rather than ask clarifying questions to understand the intention.

Why do we react rather than inquire into what is behind someone's behavior? Because that is what feels 'normal.' Not only does it feel 'normal,' but the alternative makes us feel far too

vulnerable. The alternative is to see the other person's behavior in us. To be empathetic, and understand they are limited in their expression in the moment, just like we are at times. Staying

with what feels 'normal' also hides that part of us that questions our own inability to being seen and understood.

Question: If we are not seen, understood, chosen and valued then what are the solutions? TOP

Two Feelings
Answer: To understand that there are two feelings that need to be recognized and felt at the same time. This is the opposite of polarities of feeling either 'right' or 'wrong,' 'good' or 'bad.'

Survival Feelings
The first feeling is the reactive, hardwired, dominate learned feeling. This is the 'normal'

reactionary feeling we learned as children to survive. It is the way our caregivers taught us "the

right way to feel" under stressful situations. This reactive feeling will never go away. It has a

purpose. It warns us that something dangerous may be about to happen, so, pay immediate attention. However, it is based on the mind of a three-year old. It is wired to go off, warn us, in

reaction to a set pattern of behavior seen in others. It cannot, not react. We, as adults, need to ask if there is a real and present danger or is this just our hardwiring going off, because of a conditional reflex.

Adult Feelings

Second, is a learned feeling and a set of skills that get us what we want out of relationship. It is combined awareness of learned feelings and reactive feelings. We feel the reaction, yet at the same time not being controlled or overwhelmed by it. It is adult mature in nature, empathic and

experienced. The adult feeling is not just a 'good' feeling, it is the feeling of calm strength.

The second feeling that tells us how to get what we want out of a relationship. The adult feeling asks if there is any real danger. It knows that people are not their behavior. It knows what skill to use to turn the reactive person in to their real intention. It is a feeling that knows how to be seen and understood by asking clarifying questions. It is the feeling experienced when we are relating well. Communications are clear and everyone is thinking, moving and feeling in a common way.

Question: So, if what caused these two feeling to become separated?



CHAPTER TWO The Original Child

Answer: It was because of the way, as children, we were conditioned.

0-3 4-6 7-9 10-13
Birth Split Discernment Friendships Ritual Split

Figure 1. Stages of development

The Early Years 0-3
To understand where the two seats of power in the human psyche are, we need to understand

why and how this influence over our behavior exists. We start with the perspective of the infant child, who finds itself in a caregiver's environment and quickly finds out it must change in order to survive.

Survival Cycle
As an infant (Original Child) our daily life begins by moving through the most basic of survival

cycles. (Figure 2) When it wakes-up and morphs from sleep into consciousness and a searching process is initiated. Discomforts, such as thirst, hunger



behavior is acted on by a caregiver. At that point, after being nursed, changed or comforted, relaxation and the sleep cycle continues.

The wake, search, find, relax and sleep cycle is repeated all through life.

Wake or the need to have diapers changed stimulates searching. Relief begins as the remedy for our searching

Figure 2. Primal Cycle

Learning Cycle
However, during the first several years', disruptions from the environment, during the search and

find modes, brings new challenges. The infant becomes hyper-alert to variations in the caregiver's behavior and adjusts its searching to compensate. New patterns are tried and

compared in order to achieve the desired results in a variety of situations. (Realize here that it is not being suggested that the infant has developed cognitive reasoning and deduction. This is

only to illustrate the emotional sensations experienced by the infant that begins to build an instinctual awareness of the environmental power of the searching step to effect environmental

changes and achieve desired results such as relief.)


When discomfort increase, the infant senses that something is not right, and accelerates it's

searching behavior. The need for internal resolve is instinctual. Here is an example of a change in the 'normal' pattern.(Figure 3)

After many successful iterations of the cycle, the infant awakens and begins the searching to resolve a "Something's Missing?" feeling. Let us use hunger as a case in point. Searching

begins as usual; however, when there is no forthcoming resolve, searching behavior accelerates. The infant tries new variations on the default cry by increasing volume and


Unknown to the infant, the caregivers are busy in the garden picking vegetables. At the same time, a low flying plane is going overhead, creating deafening noise. As the plane moves off, the caregivers soon hear the infant cries of distress and run to the house to find the cause.

Leaning over the crib, are the two familiar big heads, but this time they are flush with emotions and breathing deeply. They quickly pick up the child and feelings of distress are

transferred from the caregivers to the infant. They question "What's Missing?" "Is she

hungry, is she sick, are the diapers damp?" The infant feels their agitation like waves of heat. Something is wrong or different from previous experience.

If the infant could speak, it might say, "Wow, that last

Sle^p/Jk 'asC\ JjLl searching mode really had an effect!" The caregivers allow

I "" N Searc/i the jnfant t0 nurse and everyone's emotions return to calm ' ' and contentment. The child relaxes and goes to sleep.


(Unftpown created)

Figure 3. Effect of Stress

This example demonstrates how a change might be

experienced from the infant's perception. The cycles go on ad infinitum, creating a wide variation of searching options

(IIf) and the instinctual understanding of the effect these options have on the caregiver's behavior.

As we grow older, we learn to use what works to resolve discomfort. Each of these adjustments in the searching behavior has an impact on the following steps in the cycle. An alternative

searching behavior can effect a change in the find, relax, sleep and wake steps. For example, after feeling the caregiver's agitation, the infant may take longer to relax. This discord may be

carried into a restless sleep cycle. Upon waking, the infant may be cranky and act out in a new pattern seen for the first time by the caregivers.

We can see this easily in the effect our behavior and attitudes have on animals. For example, a

woman who was very sensitive to the would shout at them whenever they

confused by her voice commands and

The^y looked for outlets for their
C of oh their own when called. When

""-way she was acting and the way she child, she changed the approach to

responded to the more relaxed

grim and dirt brought into the house by the dogs moved. The dogs became hypersensitive and

began acting out in even more neurotic ways, confusion by rolling in their faces and running the woman realized the link between the

had been constantly reprimandedIsjs a her dogs. Within a few~days_tbe dogs

commands and ceased their unruly behavior.

One family may require loud talking to get attention. Another requires physical demonstrations, like hitting a brother or throwing an object. A child in a third family gets attention by being a

caregiver to the caregiver. These are all 'normal' patterns, based on what different family

caregivers believe is 'normal.' These patterns are taught, by force in some instances, to the infant.


Childhood is called the survival period, because we must adapt to constant changes in the

caregiver's patterns of behavior. We do this to be OK. We quickly leam to be hyper-vigilant to changes in moods, looks, attitudes, inappropriate touching, hitting, or even questioning that is more appropriate for adults than children. All of these patterns are built into a relationship model used by the child in its future.

Question: So, what happens during the terrible two's?' TOP

Terrible Two's
Answer: What is often referred to as the "terrible two's" is usually misunderstood as defiance.

Rather, it is suggested here that at around this age, the child is physically developed and psychologically sophisticated enough to challenge the caregivers own model of relationship - the caregiver's beliefs of what is 'normal' behavior. When the child takes a position opposed to the caregiver, the adult uses its power to overrule the child's feelings.

From the caregiver's point of view, they are just being responsible and setting boundaries. "The child needs to leam to listen and do what it is told for it is own good. How else will it get along with others when it grows up?" The child does need to learn how to get along in the family and society. However, even more important then acting in appropriate ways to be successful in life, is the child's need for a relationship model that brings them all that life has to offer. Caregivers need to understand how they were hardwired and find a way to not transfer their learned fear to the child.

Question: So, if 'normal' is not the best model for relationships, how do we change the hardwired patterns into healthy patterns?


What is 'Normal'
The point about the caregiver's 'normal' being challenged by the two year old is very important to

comprehend. Remember the caregiver (parent) was also conditioned by their caregiver's

(parents) 'normal' hardwiring. 'Normal' is being used here to signify the caregiver's hardwiring, based on their own caregiver's hardwiring, based on their caregiver's hardwiring, etc. By

hardwiring, we mean the caregiver's beliefs and feelings of what is right.

The right way to raise children, The right beliefs,
The right way to educate,
The right way to punish,

The right way to resolve problems, The right way to earn money,
The right way to use money,
The right way to treat others,

The right way to play,
The right way to think, and
The right people to socialize with, to work for, or the right kind of person to marry.

Because it is 'normal' for a family or a culture, does not mean it is right or even reasonable to the child. However, we has to survive and adapt to stay safe in the family structure by toeing the line of the family hardwiring.

Our 'normal' is rooted what we learned to survive in the caregiver's world. Does this make 'normal' bad or our caregivers bad people? We are only suggesting that the conflict between our


caregiver and their children is part of normal development, but it may not lead to healthy, caring relationships if these were not modeled in the home.

What can be criticized is the caregiver's unconscious disregard of the child's psyche when they

pushed their 'normal' beliefs and behaviors on him/her. In other words, will the caregiver's 'normal' behavior for relationships create a healthy, successful model of relationships for the

child? Will the child grow up with a relationship model that works, or will the child struggle to get its needs met for the rest of life?

Poor relationship models are the result of poor relationship modeling. What we know and feel to be 'normal' is passed down from generation to generation. If "Life is About Relationships," and if we are missing the skills to find supportive mates, friends and co-workers, what do we suppose the result will be? We see it all around us with people busying themselves with fruitless searches for meaning in material goods, commercial promises to make us happy, being focused on

building careers, and personal and professional relationships that lack depth.

The Convergent Relationship Model was created out of the real need to show why, even with the best intentions, children can turn out to be rebellious, hurtful and lacking in self motivation. How do we expect a child with an incomplete and dysfunctional relationship model to have a fulfilling life? It cannot be stressed strongly enough that no child or young adult is innately focused on not fitting in and or not wanting to be successful. Nor did their caregivers want this for their own life. No one seeks after failure and unhappiness as a lifestyle.

No one holds back a better relationship model. We are always using the best behavior options we have - to be seen, understood and valued. It may seem by our behavior that we are rotten to the core and there is no redemption possible. Nevertheless, we are survivors! We do what we have learned to get by in relationship. Until we see that by reacting from our 'normal' to the behavior of others, instead of having the skills to understand their intentions, true happiness will remain out of reach. For most people the only inheritance they will pass on to the next generation will be more of the same. We will continue to have feelings of emptiness, being misunderstood and disappointment in relationship. Moreover, no clear method to find happiness living, working, playing, loving and listening with others.

To summarize, caregivers teach their best model for relationships to their children. When the children grow to adulthood, they use this model even if it does not give them happiness. When their children are born, they teach the same dysfunctional model for relationships and on and on the cycle repeats itself.

Question: So, what evidence points to the actuality of a 'normal' wiring in people?

Childhood 4-7

Hardwiring and Wounding
Answer: The evidence that points to the existence of 'normal' wiring in us is the physically and/or emotionally scar tissue caused by wounds received either during childhood and adolescence. A wound is a mental or emotional hurt or blow. If physical, it usually causes damage to underlying tissues of the body and has an emotional side effect. If the hurt or blow is from an emotional attack, the damage is to the psyche with symptoms showing up in physical dis-ease or eventually disease. Both types of wounds leave scars that last a lifetime.

Hardwiring is like the hard copper wire used to carry electrical current to plugs and light switches in a house. Likewise, our nervous system carries electrical pulses to all parts of the body, and


learns patterns and short cuts to be efficient. When children and adults interact, the process of being hardwired into the family's 'normal' beliefs and behaviors engages both:

The child's independent psyche and physical body, and
The caregiver's dominate, hardwired psyche and large physical body.

Two processes take place in hardwiring, which we will call "wounding." Like actual wounds, these

psychic and physical scars remain with the child for life. They are mirrors of the caregiver's scars received during their childhood hardwiring.

Natural Wounding: In this hardwiring process the caregiver teaches the child right from wrong, and good from bad - natural things that help him/her get along in the world. This may includes what to eat and drink; about hygiene and basic care of clothes and belongings; how to ask and

what not to say; and many other useful tools and techniques to live by. The natural wounding results in physical and emotional scars that lead the child to say, "I am not OK the way I am. I must do what my caregiver says is right, even if it is different from how I feel or what I desire." This is not a unhealthy wounding outright, but part of a natural or necessary wounding to integrate the child into society and to tone down complete independence. Never the less, scars will result do to learning new behaviors that are contrary to the wild, instinctual part of the child's psyche. These scars remain in adults for a lifetime.

The conflict between caregiver's hardwiring and our independent sense of self creates the first psyche wound. This is called the 'natural' wound. 'Natural' because all children undergo a process to leam the basic tenets of life, such as,

"Don't play in the street."
"Don't hit your brother."
"Clean up your room."
"Say thank you to the nice lady."
"Don't eat things you have picked up off the floor."

The essence of the natural wound is stated like this, 1 am not OK the way I amln This is referred

to as the two primal tensions. One side of the tension is our every day personality seen by the

world; the one we try to keep in control. The personality that wakes up, drinks coffee, drives to

work, interacts with co-workers and returns home in the evening. On the opposite pole is the natural wound, always awake and hypersensitive to outside criticism and only seen when all

control has been taken away. This lifetime source of tension that can be tapped and felt at any time just by telling someone, "You're not OK." This 'natural wound sits at the center of our being

and is easily identified from childhood to adulthood. Here is an example:

A man, we will call Steve, is sittings in his office at work. He has been working many hours of overtime and some weekends to keep up with the workload. He receives an

unexpected call from his new boss, Jim. Jim says, "Steve I want you to drop whatever you are doing and get into my office immediately!" Jim does not wait for an

answer and hangs up. Steve is silent. The pit of his stomach tightens and he feels weak at the knees.

Steve heads down the hallway with his mind scrambling to remember any hints or clues in the past few days that he has overlooked. Has he forgotten to get back to the boss with something he requested? He acknowledges a few things have slipped, but they were way down on the list of priorities. The way Jim sounded, this cannot be good news. Steve begins to go over his first two meetings with Jim. By all appearances, they went well. What could it be that I have missed?


Steve enters the open door. Jim is sitting at his desk reading a stack of papers. Jim

looks up and invites Steve to sit down. Steve declines and remains standing

preparing for the worst. Jim says, "How are you doing Steve? You look a little down." Steve replies, "No. No, everything's fine." Jim says, "Do you know why I

have called you into my office?" "No, but what can I do for you. Just let me know and I will get right on it," Steve blurts out.

Jim says, "Steve, are you all right? I called you into my office because I need your

help. Are you sure you wouldn't like to sit." Jim takes a seat avoiding Jim's eyes. Jim says, "Steve I need you to take over the West Coast region. I know this is short

notice, but you are the one person qualified to do the job right. Your promotion is essential for the company and after watching you for the past six weeks, I am sure

this is the right move. What do you say?"

Steve sits in silence. The tension in his stomach moves up to his chest and he takes a deep breath and sighs. Steve says, "If you think I can do it, I'm ready. When do I start?" Jim replies. "How about Monday morning?"

Is there anyone who cannot identify with Steve's story? We have all had many experiences with the feeling "I'm not OK them way I am." The first shock brings on the empty feeling and the

second relieves the tension and states, "I'm the chosen one."

The 'natural' wound represents the dichotomy between who we are as independent beings, and the part of the independent being that was conditioned into a socially adaptable adult. True

schizophrenic behavior resides just below the skin. As can be seen by this example, this is 'natural' conditioning in all cultures. Everyone is wounded at this primal level. We would not

have a conscience without it.

Second Wound
Normal wounds have a life long impact on character, aspirations, relationships, career, morals,

ethics, goals, educational opportunities, our hopes and dreams for the future. The scars often feel like open wounds when disappointed. When the child becomes an adult, he/she may repeat

the same explanation for the outcome of their failures or for the way their life has turned out. Most middle age adults have said more than once:

"I thought I would be further along in my career by now";
"I expected to receive more recognition for my contribution at this point in my life"; or
"I was sure my husband and son would have healed their misunderstandings before he died." TOP
The normal beliefs and behaviors are passed down from generation to generation. They are seen in our preferences, partialities, fondness', inclinations, attachments, habits and choices.

They seem 'right' and have worked relatively well. The RIGHT beliefs and behaviors, contrasted by their opposites, might include some of the following:

Eating steak and eggs for breakfast, instead of grubs and corn.
Being a Republican, and not a Democrat, Green, Independent or Rainbow.
Believing all people who are not like you are inferior, rather than valuing diversity. Wearing a T-shirt and shorts to church, instead of a suit.
You know the proper way to drive and others are idiots.
Right is right, regardless of the hurt to others, versus seeing value in many viewpoints. Avoiding expletives at all cost, instead of using them freely when upset.
Selling and object for a commonly accepted price, instead of fleecing a customer. Feeling open to marry the person you love, rather than being class or race specific. Protecting your own children, instead of feeling protective of all children.
Defending your child's violent behavior, instead of apologizing for it.
Giving birth at home, rather than at a hospital.


Saving sex for marriage, rather than as means of exploration or recreation. Spending money as you earn it, instead of saving it for retirement.
Feeling your way is always right, instead of seeking out other opinions.

Grandparents Parent Child

The natural and normal wounds of the caregiver were hardwired into them by their caregivers (Grandparents). The purpose of the wounds is to help children get along socially and to keep the family beliefs and behaviors intact. They can be life affirming or life damaging to the child's relationship model


The second wounding has been mentioned above. It is called the 'normal' wound. This is the

result of the caregiver transferring their beliefs and relationship model on to us. These wounds

are not just common sense rules to get along with others. They are personal beliefs that the

caregiver lives by in order to survive daily live. The word survival is the key. By controlling our environment and the people in it, we stay safe. Weather this safety give us what we desired or

not, we keep on controlling in spite of the effect.

Even as adults, we still react to behaviors of others as if we were two years of age. Each person is born with instinctive, independent and wild behavior. This is short lived, as the caregiver

begins to put limits on the infant's boundaries. Throughout early childhood and adolescence, the child learns to survive by yielding to the caregiver's 'normal' - their dominating beliefs and behaviors. There is little choice if the child wants to survive in the family.

This early conditioning is natural to all species. It teaches us how to get along with others and how to be in relationship. Each culture and caregiver teaches

conditioning in it's own 'normal' way. However, conditioning can have a

powerful constructive or destructive effect on the interrelationships of the future

young adult. We will use the word 'hardwiring' to represent all conditioning that takes place in this way.

Normal Wounding: The second process of hardwiring is usually misunderstood. Normal wounds seem the same as natural wound, accept that the impact they have on the child's future

relationships is massive. Normal wounds are the beliefs and behaviors we deem 'right,' regardless of whether they give the results expected. They involve the direct impact of constructive or destructive 'right' beliefs and 'right' behaviors of the caregiver on the child's

psyche. TOP

When False Threats Are Encountered

However, there is one more reason for wounding. It is to cover up deeper wounds, below the natural and normal ones mentioned above. Wounds so painful, they are masked even to our closest friends. Great lengths are taken to avoid even the slightest chance of these wounds

being awakened within our psyches. This is where the Mother of all wounds lives in her underwater den in the deep unconscious. The core of our being, where we were hurt, abused,

abandoned, neglected and deprived of being seen, understood, chosen and valued by caregivers


who suffered the same wounds by their caregivers. These are the core wounds or Family Secrets.

With some training, normal and natural wounds (insistence on what is 'right' and 'normal' for our

family) are relatively easy to spot in the highs and lows of everyday behavior and specifically in

personal preferences. As mentioned above, underneath the normal and natural wounds lies the "Mother" of these two hardwired wounds, keeping her and our family secrets hidden far away

from consciousness. Family secrets are the underlying cause of why we act out in ways like rage, divorce, illness, high risk, etc., that do not give us the results desired, i.e., love, acceptance,

respect, etc. Instead of learning how to get seen, understood, chosen and valued from our caregivers, we feel ashamed that we have no idea where to start.

Family secrets can be seen in many of our behaviors and statements. When we ask ourselves the question, "What's Missing?" When we are discouraged and sense emptiness in our life,

thoughts come up that say, "I'm feeling out of control, what's missing?" Another way Family secrets can be glimpsed is found within the natural wound statement, "I'm not OK the way I am" is

heard in a thought or verbally. Asking these types of inquiry questions will often result in a

sinking feeling at the center of our being.
********************* ***1t****it*******it***irkit*1t****AAkA*A*AAAAAk**k******

The sinking feeling reminds and warns us of a possible danger when we are caught off guard by a demand or inappropriate tone of voice. For example, a man picks up the telephone at work and

the boss says, "I do not care what you are doing, get into my office, now!" Jack is caught off guard and the sinking feeling instantly forms in his belly. He feels an underlying shame that he

might have done something wrong or that he is about to be caught unprepared. His family secrets are vulnerable. For the moment he has lost control and is unable to identify the source.

There are many ways we verbalize this loss of control. Let us look at a few examples. TOP

Family Secrets
Indicators of Family Secrets are in the phrases we use:

"Something is wrong. I can sense it. Can't seem to put my finger on it." "I don't like her looking at me that way. It scares me."

"Why do I feel so out of place here? I feel like a duck among swans." "I hope he doesn't ask me a question. I'll freeze up."

"That conversation did not go well. She sees right through me."
"I feel transparent when my husband asks me accusatory questions. I retreat inside


The psyche is indicating a possible loss of control and steps are taken to protect us through family, acceptable, chronic behavior.


Manifestations of the Family Secrets
Hidden just below this sinking feeling, deeper in the unconscious, is where the core wounds or Family Secrets reside. Below is a list of a few manifestations of chronic behavior acted out in daily life to hide the Family Secrets. However, these are not the actual 'roof causes, just yet.

When we need an excuse for being or feeling dumb, unacceptable, or less than a whole human being we may develop chronic:

Depression, Alienation, Self-Doubt or Isolating Loneliness Thrill Seeking, Death Defying Hobbies or Sports

Racism, Bigotry, & Hatred


Inferiority, Inadequacy, Worthlessness & Failure

Negativity, Moodiness or Blaming Colds or Flu's

Accident Proneness

Conspiracy, Argument, Fear or Propaganda Targets Unemployment or Being Fired Patterns
Multiple Marriages & Divorces Patterns
Compulsive Disorders, Perfectionism or Narcissism
Pattern's of Never Completing School, Projects, Plans or Promises Paranoid & Schizoid Behavior

Jealousy, Rage, Suspiciousness and Doubt

When someone says to me, "I'm sick," I ask, "Sick of what?" This asks a deeper question. Rather than asking, "Do you have a stomachache, the flu or some chronic disease?" The deeper

inquiry is, "Do you know the answer to why you are manifesting sickness as a pattern? Do you know the underlying cause of the pattern? Do you know that when you finally find the true cause

of the sickness pattern, the answer will reverse the syndrome and return you to good physical, mental and emotional health?" So, why do we avoid a healing solution?

The truth is, we have a powerful and vested interest in our chronic manifestations to protect us from worse pain, even if they are hurting others or killing us. We are willing to loose relationships,

jobs, money, love, opportunity and many other valuable gifts of life, because of these deep unconscious, seemingly irreversible, chronic patterns. The deep personal stake in our chronic patterns has worked so far, why look for something more?

Each of us has a set of chronic patterns that appear when we are under attack, stressed out or

facing a perceived threat of which we are unable to cope. This personal and family set of chronic behaviors is the acceptable, 'normal' path we learned in order to stay safe, in a some times unsafe family situation. This is our reasoning and our excuse for not going deeper into the

family's secrets.

I am not suggesting here that there are no techniques available and we just choose not to use them. Nevertheless, I will make a rigorous point that most practitioners of the techniques are

using a shotgun approach instead of a rifle. These are good people with committed intentions to help us integrate our chronic patterns. I have experienced physical, mental, emotional as well as

spiritual therapies and alternative healing modalities, over the past 35 years. The conclusion I have reached, in my early fifties, is hard core and relatively unique. It is the very standard used in

my professional practice for almost two decades. TOP

"A therapy is no deeper, no more effective in reaching the core patterns of behavior in relationships, than the therapist's personal relationship health with their spouse, children, boss, co-workers, waitresses, panhandlers, angry teenagers, mental patients, stranger or any other acquaintance they might interact with in the world."

To sum up, we can only give to others what health we have in relationships with ALL others!

People make ail kinds of crazy repetitious statements when their chronic behavior has damaging results. As we have seen, this to protect the family secrets from being revealed. We can also

hear them in the standard, repetitious spoken phrases by others. Our own are much more difficult to hear or believe that they are anything but 'normal.' A prime indicator is when we hear a

caregiver says something to a child or another adult that does not solve the current problem. TOP

Family secrets are shame-based; hardwired wounds passed on in families from generation to generation. Examples may be:


"You'll do it because I'm your Father."

SECRET: The Father does not have a model for finding out what the child really

needs, he is ashamed, so he repeats this statement when his options run out. His

parents were also without a model. No caregiver is holding back a better model. Their best is always used, even if it does not work.

"It was good enough for me, it is good enough for our family."

SECRET: The psyche is ingrained with the family 'normal' and cannot step beyond

the boundaries of what was learned. During stressful times caregivers make obvious

their limited boundaries. Unconscious shame is acted out by putting down the child's

new idea or need.

"You 7/ do it because I said so."

SECRET: Again, this shows that the Mother or Father does not know what to do

next. There is no reasoning used, just a power play that frustrates both caregiver and

child. So that the caregiver does not feel the family shame, it is projected onto the

child. The child then carries the same shame based reaction to their children and the

cycle continues.
"/ give you a roof over your head and food in your belly, what else could you want

from me?"
SECRET: The caregiver is unable to feel what is missing in themselves, the need to be seen, touched, reassured and verbally & physically loved. Dad or mom is unaware of the child's simple need to be loved. Their shamed-psyche diverts the feelings of

shame to the offspring, unaware of the consequences.
"We don't have money for you to keep up with your friend. They're a bunch of jerks anyway." SECRET: This caregiver lives in a scarcity consciousness. This is another example of shame projection, i.e. onto the child's friends. In Mom and dad's model, there is never enough money, time, love, value to give it away. The issue is never about physical things, but always about being seen, understood and valued.


6. Core Needs: To be seen, understood, chosen and valued.

Why are shame based, hardwired wounds so destructive? When the core needs (to be seen,

understood, chosen and valued, through verbal, emotional and physical means) are being demanded from the child, the caregiver either reacts or responds. When the caregiver has a

hardwired model that know how to get be seen, understood, etc., the child will be taught how to

get their core needs met. If the caregiver never learned how to get their core needs fulfilled, the child will continue to act out in ways that upset the caregiver. In a stressful interaction with a

child, the caregiver's split-psyche steps in and lays down the family law.

The caregiver's avoids feeling the shame-based pain locked away in it's unconscious by projecting the pain on the child. This is what we mean by shame-based families.

It is obvious that all children will develop negative

complexes from receiving the family shame. Yet, the focus of most therapy is on the client's complex. The caregiver

is seen as holding back love, concern, time, and resources, rather than the fact that the caregiver could not give something that they never received.

Instead, therapists' need to focus on two important factors.

First, that the caregiver never learned how to get core needs met. Second, that if this is the case, the core needs

may never be available from the caregiver to give to the child. When the child grows to adulthood, it needs to understand the truth that the caregiver did not hold back love, caring,


understanding or patience. The caregiver never received a model for them from their parents. Everyone needs to accept the fact that hardwiring, and the wounds received along the way, are part of life. It was the way each family became wired, and the way each child becomes wired. There is no changing this reality. However, the good and bad news is, that in every childhood wound there is a gift, and in every childhood gift there is a wound.

Our unique gifts are the talent, skill, attitude, patience, healthy relationship model, education, perspective, spirituality and abilities we developed BECAUSE of our wounds.


7. Wounds Become Gifts
Here are some examples of gifts and wounds that are easy to see; yet distressing if it is understood how these wounds repressed the child.
A boy is repeatedly told that he would never amount to anything. Any coaching he had was the back of his Father's hand or an abusive stepfather. Overcoming all odds he may use this pain in later years to become a superstar on the basketball court; the President of a large corporation; an

engineer who builds space craft; or he may become President of the United States of America. The energy contained in the wound is often used as the motivating influence to excel some young men beyond any preconceived idea of success they held as children. The world around him says

he has talent, good luck or fate that allowed him to succeed. The process of hardwired wounding says that he turned his rage into productive use.

A young girl repeatedly held back from expanding her horizons, because she was told her career was to get married, create a home, raise her children, and she should count herself lucky. Late at

night many years later, when she is closing the books for the day on her multi-million dollar software company, she feels the pain of not being seen, understood and valued by her family. She also troubled by her collage-aged daughter dating men who only see her as a housekeeper. What really distresses her is her daughter's complete acceptance of this role.

Here the motivating influence of the wound has helped her expand beyond her family wiring to build a successful corporation. She is out of the stereotype for women held by her family and culture. However, she is perplexed by the daughters attitude, so opposite from hers. She is unaware of the psyche's ability to project hardwiring into the next generation. This is a very common story for successful people today. What is meant by "success" in the world is not the same as "success" in a life of relationships.

In a household of old money, a boy is given everything he desires. The caregivers have no limits, even to the point of bailing him out whenever he is in trouble. They are frustrated by their son's lack of stability and direction. When the boy leaves home and marries, he is abusive to his wife and children. Never able to find peace, he is often traveling to distant places, getting into trouble and calling his parents for a loan.

He hits bottom. A light turns on when he sees the need of an inner city gang. It occurs to him

why they act the way they do, even if it causes heartache for their families. The gang members are just trying to be seen as people, understood from their point of view and valued as potential contributors to their families and society. This is exactly what he was doing over the past decade. Starting from the bottom, he is able to get the community leaders to come together and begin building a youth center. He has never been so busy, nor has he ever been happier.

The obvious question is, "Would he have been sensitive to the gift of seeing what was missing at the core of each gang member, if he did not receive his core family wounds many years earlier?"

It could have gone many different ways, but a needy person is sensitive to the needy. As my own alcoholic Father said to me in my late twenties, "Thanks for trying to be supportive, but true

support comes best from fellow alcoholics." I got it, quit trying to cure him, and went forward trying to cure my own wounds.


Many years later I have remembered this bit of wisdom of my Father. At the center of my consulting practice, friendships and marriage is the philosophy that people are not defective. By defective, I mean born evil. People are hardwired, wounded and limited in relationship skills. The betterment of our lives is gained through understanding how this happened, why it happened and what each of us can do to use our wounds as springboard towards a more fulfilling life. Our wounds show us what we do not want to become what we do not want to do and how we do not want to be treated. However, without understanding the Core Wounds, those deeper pains underlying our conscious awareness inherited from our families, there can be little free will to see the choices that always lay before us.


8. When Wounds Fester?

So, what about the majority who are not able to turn their wounds into gifts into personal,

professional, sport or community success? If a path works to turn a wound into a gift for one, why does it not apply to another who tries a similar path? There are two reasons.

First, the sheer complexity and diversity of each person's unique hardwired, wounding process. We all have some similar traits, but it is the unique combinations and nuances of wounds that set

our course.

Second the lack of mentors in most people's lives. Mentors are people who love the same things we do - business, money, health, exercise, trains, Tupperware or books. Mentors never have all of their relationships figured out, they may even struggle harder than our own caregivers, but they SEE us. Mentors take the time to mine the wound nuggets and mold them into talent, self- confidence and pride. Exceptional mentors have had exceptional mentors. They have been seen, understood, chosen and valued somewhat and they have passed it on to the next in line. There can be no fee for mentoring. Paying for love or paying to be seen, understood, chosen and valued ends up in an empty wallet and with empty relationships.

In the wound transforming examples above, each of the people had met one or more significant mentors who saw them and continually pointed out their good qualities. It may have been a

teacher, coach, boss, stepparent, grandparent, or someone met by chance in a foreign land.

For those whose wounds did not lead to a mentor's doorstep, they find themselves surrounded with mirrors of themselves and those who agree on what's 'right' and 'normal.' The law of 'like

attracts like,' and "what we sow we reap' is a reality. Whiners befriend whiners, naysayers chant with other naysayers, sour grapes people make sour grapes together, complainers complain with

complainers, zealots hang with zealots, revolutionaries fight other revolutionaries, and glass half full folks become thirsty with glass half full folks. They may even be very successful in business,

religious, political, restaurant, academic, scientific, therapeutic, or healthcare professionals. Yet, they fall short in the knowledge that will align them with the reason for life - relationships.

Spoken from the collective 'normal' viewpoint, we hear, "People are the result of their behavior.

They have free will to modify it and make their life better. Everyone has the same opportunity to choose success or failure, reward or punishment."

Theoretically, I would agree that the innate parts in us that have free will to change circumstances. Worldwide we have seen this use of will to make things better. Democratic

government, shelters for victims of disasters and the down trodden, community action groups, the civil and human rights movements and benevolent foundations and non-profit organizations trying

to make this a better world for all.

However, seen from the hardwired perspective presented here, we are not our behavior. We react to the environment and people around us from our caregiver's model of 'normal,' not our own free will.


Natural and normal wounds, and to a greater degree our core unconscious wounds, set our life's course. There is no denying the value in the heart-felt creation of organizations to help the needy. What is missing is the giving of what will sustain life - the tools that show how to be seen,

understood, chosen and valued by others. If the benevolent person who helps others is unable to have deep, loving relationships with their spouses and children, they are only giving a small part of what people they are helping really need.

The adage, "Give a starving man a fish, and you have eased his hunger. Teach a him how to fish and you have erased his hunger" applies here. Said another way, "Show a man you love him and you have eased his pain. Teach him how to love others and you have erased his pain."


9. Personal Experience; Wounds Turned to Gifts

I have interacted with families, friends, clients and countless people around the world who

struggle with their wounds in personal relationships. This also includes the masses, seen on television and read about in periodicals. People who desire to be valued for who they are, not as

celebrities, but as regular human beings. I observed them acting out in ways that brought momentary attention, but just as quickly their bubble burst and they felt worst than before.

In my professional career as an Executive Coach, I have worked with thousands of top business

people and their families. Success for them was measured at work, not in the home. Most of them said they loved their wife's and children, but their obsession with success behavior,

betrayed their words. Work relationships are often difficult, but a piece of cake compared to miscommunications going on at home.

The problem "Why do wounds fail to turn into gifts?" has consumed me since adolescence. At that time, I began to reflect on the world of relationships around me. In my own life I struggled with inner feelings, that when expressed, were often misunderstood or rejected. I could not understand why people attractive to me, looked at me as a threat or a nuisance. Why was I was unable to find someone who could understand my need to be chosen, selected as someone worthy of their love, respect and attention? I observed this same struggle in my parents & their friends, in siblings & their friends, in classmates, Army buddies, collage friends and professors.

It is not that we are without successful relationships and friendships some of the time. What became clear was that people were unable to articulate a model that brought them healthy

relationships all of the time. We are just too willing to write difficult people off as unacceptable and unworthy of our time. People readily accept the collective idea that most relationships are iffy

at best. You do what seem 'normal.' If it turns sour, move on to the next person.

Today, with the healthy relationship models developed from my quest, I have a worldwide network of acquaintances, co-workers, mentors, friends and a wonderful marriage. In my fifties, I can look back and see that the wounds I received in childhood were behind the powerful inner drives to find out why relationship communications were so problematical for most people. As Albert Einstein said, when asked about his achievements, "It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I

stay with problems longer." Like Albert, who during his remarkable life was obsessed with finding a simple explanation for how the Universe works, I have been attached to the question of, "Why

are relationships so difficult." My early childhood wounds, which left unfulfilled desire to be seen, understood, chosen and valued, turned into an odyssey to find the answer why this happens.

Daily experience showed me that it was not a common desire of adults to be in conflict. In fact all one needed to do was read romance novels, watch TV sitcoms, documentaries & movies, and listen to the thousands of songs about the desire to make love work, to see there is a deep

longing for core needs to be received. People love the tension of being 'right', yet longed for deep connection to other people. On the other side of the coin, to assure the psyche of the need to be cautious, books, movies and songs are made and published daily that reveal the


impossibility of healthy relationship. Therefore, we are left a bipolar psyche that says, "I need to be seen, understood, chosen and valued, yet this is impossible."

I will make a case that the bipolar coin is a gift to humankind as will as a wound.

Child and Caregiver Conflict 7-10

When child-caregiver interactions are going smoothly, the child learns about the family belief and behavior systems.

However, when conflict arises, between:
The independent feelings and desires of the Original Child, and The caregiver's hardwired will of the Phantom Twin

The caregiver's psyche assaults the child's psyche until the child submits.

Again, we would agree that in many situations the caregiver has a responsibility to teach the child the family beliefs. The important point here, which is often absent from peoples relationship

model, is that a conflict arises because the psyche of the caregiver must protect itself from the

offspring's behavior. It protects itself because the core need is missing and does not want to go down into the deeper feeling. The feeling is directly relate to the feeling of the caregiver that was

unexpressed when they were a child and could not express it because of the projection of their caregiver.

To survive, the child psyche must split into two personalities. One, the Survival Child, constantly desires to be recognized and valued. The other, the Phantom Twin, counters the Survival Child's desires by forcing repetition of the family behavior. This same conflict can be found in the

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