What's Missing in Relationships?

What is missing is the understanding of early conditioning (hardwiring) and the skills that allows us to rehabilitate unproductive conversations, in real time, into productive and fulfilling interactions.  This requires us to go beyond our current model of relationship skills and understand what is universally missing when people are caught in what we call a relationship anomaly.

However, this is not just about learning new skills to communicate.  We must learn why we go unconscious and react habitually when others attempt to communicate with us.  We must also understand that these habitual reactions are not of our making.  Each of us created a set of habitual reactions that allowed us to survive childhood.  These habitual reactions are based on what our caregivers thought were “normal” beliefs and behaviors.

However, it is not our agenda here to extract our hardwired reactions like a terminal tumor. Hardwiring, in a positive light, is the same behavior that has helped us get by in the world, is the seat of our energy & creativity and is also the same force that will shape our future decisions.  Furthermore, our future will be shaped by either repeating our past beliefs or by a future in which we believe that all people are their Core Intentions.  We either have the language and skills to transform life’s difficult relationships moments or we are subject to our limited wiring, relating to others under stress with the skills of a three-year-old child.

We have all made references that describe others “bad” behavior.  We verbally or silently point out “bad” behavior every day. Musicals, films, plays, television, radio and operas all focus on “bad” behavior themes.  Newspapers, magazines, books, tapes and DVD’s amplify our own fear of being caught doing “bad” behavior.  That’s why we love them.  We all have a vicarious need to project “bad” behavior out side of ourselves on to others.


What Relationships Are Missing?

·      All relationship/communication advice falls short if it does not refocus on why we behaved in a specific way in the first place.

·      We act out to get attention, and then to be seen, understood, accepted, chosen and valued by others. 

·      We need to understand that when we are not getting the attention or results we want, our relationship/communication model has run out of options. 

·      When we are not getting the attention or results wanted we are trying to communicate with our hardwired model and it is not working.

·      What keeps us from having healthy relationships is our hardwired conditioning.

No matter what a person’s behavior they are asking to be seen, understood, accepted, chosen and valued by others.

Why Is So Hard For Some People To:

·      Join community groups or volunteer?

·      Improve the environment, schools, healthcare, their habits and their life?

·      Make changes in their communities?

·      Help teenagers with their problems?

·      Stay on a healthy diet and workout consistently?

·      Keep a promise? Tell the truth? Tell a lie?

·      Explain their feelings, express anger, speak of their love or get advice from their spouse or significant other?

·      End a drug, gambling, shopping, or sex dependency?

·      Believe that others are inherently good?

·      Get promoted or get attention?

·      Be seen and understood by others? 

·      See the real person inside their partner, friend, in-law, teenager - beyond physical deformity, race, religion, gender, foreign language or behavior?

·      Accept me for who I am and enjoy the diversity of my cultures, my food, clothing, religion, customs and beliefs?


Why Do Some People:

·      Hurt the people they love?

·      Blame others for their problems?

·      Derive pleasure from others pain or loss?

·      Hate?

·      React with fear at certain behaviors that others ignore?

·      Believe that his or her religion, politics or beliefs are the only right ones?

·      Believe that his or her “normal” is the right normal for everybody?

·      Join causes to eradicate abuse, hatred, racism, sexism, class, and then perform these same acts themselves on others?


Important Questions:

·      Why do psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, counselors, teachers, bosses, police, politicians, lawyers, recording and film stars, sports stars, priests, popes, kings & queens, talk show hosts, radio personalities have difficulty in their own personal relationships?

·      Why do authors of “self-help books”, “community affairs”, “relationship,” and “child rearing” have difficulty in their own personal relationships?

·      Why do people with no particular track record in personal relationship skills end up teaching, coaching and counseling our children by leading Scout Troops, 4-H, after school sports, or other extra circular activities?


Teaching about "What's Missing" in peoples lives is like pointing to the moon.  You have to use a finger, or some other object to point, but be aware that most people will concentrate on the finger or other object instead of the moon.


Why do you teach about "What's Missing"?

To turn peoples gaze towards their emptiness (Shadow).


When people gaze upon their emptiness


, what happens?

They see nothing, but feel clearly that something is actually missing, yet it cannot be described in words.  It was formed pre-language, pre-cognitive reasoning.


Why are the words missing to describe something they can see?

They are adults!  Mature!  Responsible!  When asked to look at "What's Missing" they can feel something is not there.  The emptiness they don’t feel is it!  The fact is, is that "no thing" is there. Yet, there is no inner structure, no contrasting experience, no word to describe this emptiness.  So they say, "It must be no-thing, nothing."

Then how can "What's Missing" be understood and made practical?

Learning to enlarge our personal surface area will help.  That is to say, the container we live in is to cramped. There is no room to see life’s larger backdrop or to display a model of how our picture of life fits onto a larger canvas. 

Daily life provides more than enough experiences for us to expand our container, thus enlarging our surface area. There is no need for special situations.  Heaven and Earth are ever, always present.

However, without understanding the origins of Looping, there is no energy (Shadow) to motivate us to expand the container. To step out of the Loop gives us freedom to expand.


When our surface area is made larger, then what?

Greater tensions can be experienced without breaking the sensitive, detecting surface.  What were ridged borders are now permeable boundaries able to discern appropriate input into our system.  At the same time, a full variety of feelings can be instantly accessed when appropriate.  These feelings stay accessible and on the surface.  Energy previously confined by Looping, is now available for creativity and relationships.  To touch this energy requires a type of surrender to a breaking off, or breaking through our containers shell.


Why do we feel overwhelmed when our surface is violated?

If you are in your car and someone opens the rear door and throws a large, poisonous, mad snake inside, then closes the door, how long would you feel comfortable driving along?  However, if you are in a football stadium and the same snake was released how would you react.

When our container is too small we become brittle or incapable of entertaining outside intrusions.  There is no extra space, no energy to engage, and we close down and withdraw.

Copyright © 2020 Scott Taylor Consulting  All Rights Reserved.

© Scott Taylor 2020