Overview

Relationships are difficult because:

  • We never learned how to be fully: 
    • Seen
    • Understood
    • Accepted
    • Chosen and
    • Valued by significant people in our lives.
  • Our core relationship model is imperfect, yet perminate.
  • Our first childhood wound was, "I am not OK the way I am." This wound is functioning in every adult everyday.
  • We are adictive-compulsive by nature. The good: this creates change. Less good: this inhibits change. 

Relationship Truths

  • The true measure of a persons relationship model is their behavior when under duress, conflict, extreme loss, failure, and any other strain on a relationship.

"When I meet you I will listen to your beliefs, knowledge, politics, expertise and journey.

You can rant or speak softly. It doesn't matter to me.
You can be in rags or royal robes. It doesn't matter.
You can be young or old. It doesn't ...
You can shovel, teach, sell, or preach. It ..........

But listening doesn't tell me who you really are.

I will ask the people in your life how you behave around them.
I will ask the people in your life how you behave if stressed, once angered or when confronted.
I will ask the people in your life how you behave in traffic, while waiting in line or caught lying.
I will ask the people in your life how you talk to other people and about other people.
I will ask the people in your life how you behave when an apology is called for.

Only then will I know your character and the value of that which you profess.

We are attracted to people who are hardwired like us (a mutual, common "normal"). It is the mutual-normal that attracts us to others. Having the same or opposite personality as another person has little weight in this attraction. Hardwiring is the key.

Attraction has two aspects:

  • Behavioral - involving, relating to, or emphasizing behavior.
  • Visceral - Instinctualgutdeep-downdeep-seateddeep-rootedinwardemotionalanimal.
  • The visceral attraction is key to understanding hardwiring and learning new models for relationship.

Between two people there are four bodies or sets of hardwiring.

  • Two conscious and two unconscious. Out of these four a mutual being is born. A being that contains aspects of each person's hardwiring. This is most evident in marriage, but can occur with friends, relatives, co-workers, etc..
  • When attracted to someone, the inner and outer wirings are often juxtaposed. Quiet vs talkative, neat vs messy, thinking vs feeling, outgoing vs private, social vs reflective, etc..
  • Even when a couple has similar inner or outer wiring, they are different in their preferences and stressed based behavior.
  • By observing how we project "what's missing" in ourselves onto others, i.e. “You don't pay attention to me", is an excellent way to understand these various bodies.
  • Learning to pull back projections from others removes the energetic residue that makes communication fail.  Identifying with other's mis-behavior will nullifies stress. More on this technique later.

The only way to be in a fulfilling relationships is to understand hardwiring and learning to use Intentional Language to keep both participants in the conversation.

Because of the nature of hardwiring, not all will go smoothly. However you will know what to do when failing in conversation.

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© Scott Taylor 2016